646f9e108c Basketball superstar Dennis Rodman starsa hip Interpol agent attempting to defeat the deadly plans of a crazed arms dealer.
As bad movies go, this is pretty bad…which is pretty GOOD if you're a bad-movie buff (like I am). But then what else would you expect when it stars Dennis Rodman? Surprisingly enough, Rodman is almost low-key, to the point where you could actually say he almost gives a decent performance. Almost. Still, it must be said his performance here is WORLDS better than in "Double Team", that classic of bad-moviedom. Perhaps because he's almost restrained, the makers of this have decided to bypass intelligent character or plot development (a fact given away by its grammar-savvy title) and packed it with common-denominator bits that are dime-store quality even by the action genre's sorry standards. And then there's the acting…Dane Clark,Rodman's bumbling sidekick, pours it on thick with what is meant to be comic relief, but is neither comic nor relief; at NO MOMENT is he even BARELY amusing. If THAT were the very worst, it would be borderline tolerable, but oh no – they've thrown in the comedy stylings of Ricky Harris & John Pinettetwo computer-geek-slash-ass-kicking-slash -jive-slinging monks (monks!!!) who help and/or guide Rodman (it's never really explained); John Pinette is an embarassment not only to actors, but comedians, fat people, monks and especially himself: 'fat' jokes are one thing but nearly every opportunity is taken – with his blessing and help! – to show him eating, or shaking his bountiful belly, or wanting to eat…until, of course, at the movie's climax, when he (or, rather, a stunt double) suddenly turns kick-boxing action star. Said scene provides the single most unintentionally funny moments: try holding back the laughs when it's obvious Pinette's double is only about 6 inches taller and 100 pounds lighter (despite the padding), and watcha baddie is kicked over a bridge and actually SLOWShe falls, thanks not to slow-mo but to the bungie cord. Oh, and then there's the, ahem, "special effects". Can you say "blue screen"? The only member of this cast (designed to appeal to every possible international audience) that shows signs of real energy is Emma Sjosberg, who shares a thankfully-brief love scene with Rodman (she kisses him on the lips and does NOT vomit. Now THAT'S what I call 'acting'!!!).
This is one of those movies where there is a minimum of one fight or chase scene every ten minutes, and if not for that there's no reason for the movie to exist. Rodman plays Simon, the man whose sezing is responsible for our title. Rodman is a secret agent for INTERPOL who has no less than TWO comedic sidekicks constantly dressedmonks in their monastery base in France. Simon is a motorcycle riding, kickboxing super agent capable of sliding down columns with his legs so that he can shoot guns with his hands. INTERPOL is apparently one of the easiest to work for secret agencies, because Rodman apparently has no mission or assignment to work on until an old schoolmate played by stand-up comedian Dane Cook, because apparently this film needs a THIRD comedic sidekick. <br/><br/>Dane Cook is on a mission to exchange confidential military secrets for his boss's kidnapped daughter, and he brings Rodman along for the ride. The exchange goes bad and Rodman takes chargeany good action-hero does, and together Rodman and the trio of comic relievers try to track down the kidnapped girl and the most ridiculous villain since the Number 23 played itself in the Number 23.<br/><br/>Dane Cook manages to work in his impersonations of dogs, dinosaurs from Jurassic Park, and Chewbacca into the first twenty minutes. Remarkably none of the "bits" that may very well have worked on stage fit into the movie and, furthermore, since they all sound virtually identical, really come offlame. The only difference between Cook's dinosaur and Chewbacca is that dinosaurs have tiny arms. Apparently someone thought animal noises and kickboxing equaled box-office gold; of course, if that were true, Jean-Claude Van Damme's puppet show in Branson would be a bigger draw than it is now. <br/><br/>Although to his credit Cook gives up on his impressions, one of Rodman's sidekicks (John Pinette) does a similar whale impression, which at least is tenuously related to the film because he is fat. Hilarious, no? About 1 out of 10 of Dane Cook's lines are amusing, but since 10 out of 10 are supposed to be funny, that's not a very good batting average. During a car chase where Rodman and Cook are being chased by the bad guys, and Rodman TWICE drives for an extended distance while tilted on two tires, Cook quips, "These guys are like my college loan officers, they just keep coming!" <br/><br/>There is nothing better in a cheesy action movie than a scenery-chewing villain. This is the one role where it not only acceptable to overact, it is in fact mandatory by Hollywood law. When done right, the actor who hams it upthe villain can steal a movie,proved by the likes of Robert Patrick in the horrible WWE Films "The Marine" or Christopher Walken in "The Rundown." Our villain "Ashton" is doing an effeminate, impish supervillain that's so bad he'd be more suitable to battle Pee Wee Herman than James Bond. This is the kind of villain who while menacing a colonel he's extorting says, "Colonel, do us all a favor and turn that frown upside down." My favorite is this exchange between Rodman and Ashton:<br/><br/>Ashton: "Guess what we're going to blow up first!" Rodman: "Your ego?" Ashton: "No, but nice try, sailor! The Eiffel Tower!" Rodman: "Why?" Ashton: "Because it's big and it's delicious and I'm tired of looking at it!"<br/><br/>Like any other action star, Rodman gets to dive from a building before it explodes, then walk in slow motion away from the same buildingit burns. Just like a real action hero! Andhe emerges, his cohorts actually say, "That's our Simon!" Which, if you think about it, is really dialogue more suited for a wacky, 50s sitcom rather than a cheesy, 90s action flick, but that's just my (correct) opinion.<br/><br/>While I've never seen more than short clips of Cook's comedy act and none of his recent starring vehicles, I think he at least adds a certain charm to the film. Rodman doesn't fare so well, though the ridiculous script certainly is of no help. "It ain't over," Rodman growls with what is meant to be intensity. The man really doesn't possess any kind of charismafarI can detect. Beyond being a very good basketball player, the only reason that Rodman is famous is due to his outrageous publicity stunts like wearing a wedding dress to a book signing or wrestling in a tag team with Hulk Hogan and thereby degrading brides, books, and professional wrestling (which is hard to do).<br/><br/>Unless you love bad action moviesmuchI do, you should stay away from this at all costs. But I do love bad action moviesmuchI do, and this is so bad it's actually entertaining.<br/><br/>DJR - For more of my reviews check out film.ispwn.com
Words cannot do justice for this homage to Ed Wood.

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